[May 8th, not published then because I'd misplaced it.]
So I had a weekend that I did not necessarily want to glorify with text at the time, because while some good (Italian) things happened (Penne Gorgonzola, homemade ravioli, Chianti, espresso), some pretty dismal things happened as well. Things like trying to be friends with a rough bark-like substance that has mysteriously replaced Anthony, being somewhat unsavory myself, finishing poorly on both Big Huge Papers (four smallish papers are forthcoming, I’m already a-sop in drafts, books and used teacups, and the tears welling up in the stricken I have had ENOUGH face do not help the situation,) discovering I have badly mis-budgeted and therefore have literally NO MONEY until probably the next-next paycheck, and learning that Grad school is evidently not on the plate for the aforementioned fauna. To say nothing of the previous week, when my car broke down* thereby making it impossible to go to the wake of a friend who recently passed away.
Seriously. When it rains it fucking pours. Still.
I have avoided, as best I can, carrying on in detail the hideous psychological gorefest the last few months have been because Lord knows I hate to read a journal of pure and solid whine whine whine, and I am sure you are no different. But while dwelling on the slime certainly doesn’t help — I do that enough on my own I think without having to type it all up in a word document — there is a liberating aspect to getting it all out of my head and in the living world, albeit the pixilated digital living world. So, sucks to be you.
FEEL FREE, OH YE OF FAINT HEART AND MIND, TO SKIP THIS PART AND MOVE ON TO SOMETHING LIGHTER
The last two weeks have been particularly foul, in the midst of times I thought could grow no fouler. It is doing a number on my sanity, I am more or less constantly exhausted and emotionally frail and petty. I continue to pick meaningless fights which now at least have the decency to announce themselves. Now conversations like this one, a lengthier version of which came up twice on Saturday at a party, are becoming frequent:
Me: You are doing a thing that makes me obliquely sad.
Other Person: Should I not do it?
Me: No, because it is cosmically wrong for me to dictate your life. Instead, I will sit here and be mad about it.
OP: That is kind of whack.
Me: Indeed, I am a total whack-job for even thinking about it in the first place. (Sobs)
OP: …
What possesses me? Seriously, what? There is no good that can come from this, particularly if I’m just going to beam emotions at people rather than come up with solutions. While on the one hand the things I mentioned on Saturday are things I genuinely worry about, I’m not sure NOW was the best time to add Random Insecurities And Judgment Calls to the grimy cauldron of General Malcontent. If you aren’t part of the solution you’re part of the problem and all that. Furthermore, if I’m going to try and be all assertive (rather than the goopy worm I’ve felt like lately…oh you need me to do all these tasks for you? No problem. Oh, rather than let me vent a little, or even let me cheer you up a little even though I am CIRCUMVENTING ALL MY NEEDS FOR COMFORT RIGHT NOW AND TRYING TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON, DAMNIT, you are just going to fire me line after line of unrelenting negativity? Awesome.) not suggesting solutions by and large makes that whole attempt at assertiveness a sort of moot point. Because then you’re me, saying I’ve noticed something I haven’t bothered to fix.
Really I think the problem is both of us have been in a State for an equal number of weeks, and so we feel abrasive, get all abrasive with each other, and then react accordingly. The Foulness balloons. And then some good stuff happens (like Penne Gorgonzola!) and instead of going with the happy Something Else manages to make the frowny mouths and hunched shoulders come back, and you’re back where you started. You had a taste of happiness, and it was ripped from you. Now you’re reduced to a anti-social, unappetizing hollow shell. Like tree bark.
