I never really said much about The Bird, because I figured there’d be more time.
This morning I was relieved that somehow I’d got up before Walter did. I snuck into the bathroom to shower, since if he had heard me I would have been totally busted because then it would be time for breakfast! And the morning flapping! Then I started the customary morning noises; turning on Philco, putting in a CD, turning on the light, murmuring some salutations, and lifting the blanket.
Instead of stretching and looking surly on the sleeping-perch, he was lying in a heap on the floor.
Pre-coffee I’m not very good at making decisions, so there were a few solid minutes of rapid-fire un-helpful thoughts like OH SHIT OH SHIT. There was still a longer gap between my getting him out of the cage and getting him to the vet’s office, because while he was still breathing and occasionally opening his eyes, birds in this state are usually mere minutes from death, and there was heavy mental debate on letting him fade off or having the vet euthanize him.
This is making me sound much more pragmatic and collected than I actually was at the time. There is no way I can bring you to where I was this morning, sitting on the floor with my bird’s chest cradled in my hand, and feeling his heart pounding and then fade to a faint flutter, and then surge back up to almost normal. Watching the towel he was wrapped in fall and rise slower, than faster, than slower. And the minutes dripping away slowly as I prayed and cursed and cried and spoke to him softly, thinking selfishly that maybe the warmth from my palm was comforting him somehow.
The vet has always been helpful with Walter, who has had shaky health for most of his short life. We both sat and stroked the bird well after he had finally gone, and there were kind things said but honestly thinking about it right now might make me sad again so they will have to wait.
While he wasn’t always the center of the daily stage, he was certainly constantly on my mind throughout the day. He was spunky, he liked apples and the sound of the toaster-oven, and even participated in certain online fads.
Walter, I know I sometimes sucked at knowing what you wanted, but I really liked you. I hope you liked me too.
